the two of us
in the beauty we are
loss
an inspirational impulse
What was your darkest hour?
What was the darkest moment that you ever had to face in your life?
What is the most unbearable place that you are carrying deep in your heart, too dark to even think about seeing it? Too dark to dare to go?
Too dark to share it with your beloved?
Too dark to give the burden to anyone close to you?
And still you crash?
For me it is the loss of my child.
The facing of the impossible unthinkable.
The possibility to never look in her eyes as the mother I am since I took my own first breath.
The cruelty of this darkest hour is that it is long.
Very long.
To be with that unthinkable, that what is ways beyond my strength to feel, for not only hours, days, weeks, months but years.
Years of trying to become strong enough for that possible truth.
Years of expanding the inner realm.
Years of hoping, crashing slowly, silently. Each and every month.
And going beyond the cycle. Stretching into the universe, into “the will of God”.
Who knows know. Who knows know that nothing can help this pain.
This long long breaking of the heart.
The fury inside me outbursting from rage to everyone who doesn’t know the taste of this loss. Can not know.
Silently, inwards, in the desperate hours of loneliness – there is no place in the culture I’m thrown in for grief that turns into hope and strength and softness and vulnerability even joy each and every moon – trying to grow into the one who could bear the next crash. Loss after loss.
Where the beauty of the world hurts. Because it is not shared with the child I am mother to since my own first breath.
Loss after loss. Until the final one that will be and unseen. Even not to grasp.
Summertime. The most beautiful colours, the most beautiful shimmering of lights are reaching my eyes, touching my heart. I close the windows. I darken the room and I silence my ears. Inwards inwards inwards is the only way to go. Into the dark. I can go there. For you to know. That I know. This place where the loss is not human bearable and also the devotion to God, to life can’t take from the burden. I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know if there is an “after”. I only know that I’m changed. By the most brutal force I could think of.
And today is the day that I am telling you. Some of you might know.
What was your darkest hour?
What was the darkest moment that you ever had to face in your life?
What is the most unbearable place that you are carrying deep in your heart, too dark to even think about seeing it? Too dark to dare to go?
Love. Ann.
If you are drawn to an exchange on loss & beauty you can register for one of our next gatherings.
Temple of Grace & Beauty
loss & beauty
beauty & loss